i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
