don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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