I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
