I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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