He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
