I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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