I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
