I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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