I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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