So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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