A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
