I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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