Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
