I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
