Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
what day is it and did you see me today?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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