I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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