I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
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