The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Bring me that man meat
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