My balls are so social today.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
