WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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