Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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