brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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