White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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