He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just puked most of my soul out..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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