Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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