It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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