In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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