he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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