you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
vagina is talking i cant
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
