my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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