My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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