how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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