The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I need a beard to bite.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
