dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
