I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
