i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
