I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
