I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
