Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
