My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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