and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
