FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
