i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i out mim tonsoeep
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
