i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
