I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
