Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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