a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
