I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
