I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
