Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
