I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
