Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
