I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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