he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
