I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
