i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
