Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Please don't give away my fajitas
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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