He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
should my penis look like a turkey
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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