totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize