every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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