I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
