So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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